I don’t know if it was something that was going to happen anyway or if it was something triggered by my viewing of Hitchcock’s ‘The Birds’ that sent me over the edge, but it’s here. I’m afraid of birds.
I’m not birdophobic or anything, as is made obvious by my technical term “birdophobic”. I don’t freak out if birds are sitting in trees going chirpity chirp chirp. I don’t even mind if I go to someone’s home and they have a bird. As long as it’s caged. And it never, ever, EVER gets to fly around. So it might as well be dead anyway soooo…
Audri got up from her nap earlier than usual today, but not crazy early like she didn’t get a good nap. She just tends to sleep until someone wakes her up. The girl takes her naps seriously.
I was kind of surprised to hear little thuddy thuds coming down the hall, but definitely no alarm bells or anything. Just the usual “hey baby girl, did you have a good nap, where are your pants” chitchats that we have after nap.
So imagine my confusion when I walk back into the bedroom and hear … a muffled chirp? What the… My first thought was that my husband had set his weird alarm clock to go off now for some reason and it’s birds this time. This leads me to walk over to the alarm clock, which is on the nightstand, which is beside the bed, who lived in the house that Jack built, which is directly in front of the window we’re about to be talking about.
It was clear pretty much immediately that I couldn’t pin this on the alarm clock. I’m edging slowly to the bed, trying to see anything through the curtains. Nothing. And the noise stopped. Ok, maybe it was my imagination? I mean, it could happen. My shrink asks me at every visit if I see or hear things that aren’t there so I’m guessing it’s only a matter of time. But I was reeeeeally pretty sure I had heard something.
I walk to the dresser to get my socks (my cold damn feet are the reason behind ALL of this) when from behind me comes this crazily sinister sound.
Bam, muffled tweet, chirp, handicapped flutter, ting.
So I’m at least 3 feet off the ground at this point even though my brain is telling me to calm down, it’s just a bird, it’s not in the house, SERIOUSLY GET A HOLD OF YOURSELF!
One hesitant step toward the window when I hear chirp chirp chirp! bam thud tweet! Shit. Now it’s detected my presence and either a.) thinks I’m a predator (LULZ) b.) thinks I’m there to help? maybe? I dunno… or c.) wants to get through the window so he can peck at my eyeballs while I run screaming through the house before falling down the stairs and rolling onto the front porch where there will be more, yes more!, birds, hundreds of birds, birds upon birds…
Totally didn’t think that at all (ok a little, but not all crazily) but my heart jumped into my throat and my belly fell down to my knees and I was not at all anatomically correct. Or prepared to handle this situation. Which I now realize IS a situation that does, in fact, need to be handled. This is our home! We can’t live here with some crazy bird bomber stuck at our bedroom window!
I took a deep breath and made a very big girl decision. Closed the door and told my husband he had a job when he got home. LIKE AN ADULT!
Anyone else afraid of birds? Or anything else that makes not a lot of sense? I love hearing other people’s version of crazy. 🙂